Story Nº 003 — Thoughts
Me, myself and I
Every version of me at the same table. Let's see who wins.
The summons
In the previous letter I wrote to a kid who couldn't write back. It came out incomplete, and I knew it while I was writing it.
So I did the obvious thing: I called all of them in. The kid, the thirteen-year-old, the one who learned everything locked inside during the pandemic, the one who almost didn't make it into university, and the ones who don't exist yet but already have opinions.
Nobody knows where we are. Nobody knows why I called them. And we haven't been in the same room in years.
This is what happened. (It's literally what goes on in my head on a regular Tuesday, except this time I wrote it down.)
The ones who showed up
- 08
the kid
only knows that x is a letter
- 13
the thirteen-year-old
just wanted to prove his teacher wrong
- 14
the quiet year
didn't open the computer for twelve months
- 16
the lockdown one
learned it locked in and won't let you forget
- 17
the one who said no
still thinks about that meeting
- 18
the exams one
refreshed the page twenty-five times
- 18½
the first semester
already survived Math 101
- 19
today
the one who called the meeting
- +
the ones after
they don't fight anymore. you get used to it, they say.
Scene 01 — nobody knows why they're here
13the thirteen-year-old
Mmm… who called us?
16the lockdown one
It's kind of obvious, isn't it? You did.
08the kid
We're all us, obviously.
13the thirteen-year-old
What did I even do to you? Why are you talking to me like that?
16the lockdown one
Don't take it personally, kid.
18the exams one
Yeah, but… are you talking to yourself like that? Seriously?
13the thirteen-year-old
I mean, who do you think you are, talking to me like that?
16the lockdown one
Well, I'm you.
13the thirteen-year-old
And what does that have to do with anything?
18the exams one
Everybody calm down. Why is everyone so worked up?
13the thirteen-year-old
Because you'd never called us to the same place at the same time. We don't even know where we are.
18the exams one
And we haven't run into each other in years. Why now?
17the one who said no
I'd also like to know why I'm here. I've had enough strange meetings with people I don't know.
16the lockdown one
Bet it's because you screwed something up.
+the ones after
Or because we pulled something off.
16the lockdown one
Or neither, and everyone here is just spiraling.
19today
Or you could let me talk and decide to be quiet for a second?
08the kid
What do you mean everyone? How many of us are there?
19today
Good question. I don't know.
The middle
There's something strange about being the present: you're the only one everybody gets to bill.
The ones behind me already lived what they lived, and they charge me for it. The ones ahead already lived what I haven't, and they look at me with a patience that's honestly unsettling. And I'm in the middle, without the answers from either side.
Scene 02 — who all these people are
08the kid
Okay, but why are we here? I don't get it. And who are all of you? I'm very confused.
19today
We're all of our pasts, presents and futures. Well — possible futures: the ones we can picture with the options we have today.
+the ones after
There's probably a version of us who's a singer.
+the ones after
Another where we became photographers, or something close to it.
+the ones after
And another where we're still with the people we wanted to keep.
16the lockdown one
And probably some where we made terrible decisions.
19today
It doesn't matter exactly who we are. We're all us. Some less compassionate than others, but all of us.
08the kid
And why is everyone fighting? And why are you — the one who looks like the oldest and the smallest at the same time — the one fighting the least?
19today
Kid, I already lived everything all of you lived. And the versions after me already lived what I'm about to live. So I'm the middle point people call the present.
19today
I don't have all the answers about the future. And even if I plan it, it might not work out. You'll figure that one out.
08the kid
I only have one question: are we doing something we like?
16the lockdown one
Kid, this isn't the time to talk about that.
18the exams one
Don't talk to him like that. Especially when you were worse at his age.
16the lockdown one
I'm not angry.
+the ones after
Easy. Remember he's a teenager.
19today
Kid: yes. We're doing what we love.
The one keeping score
Every group has someone keeping a running tab of what they contributed. In this group that's me at sixteen.
And the worst part is that he's right. Completely right. That's exactly why it's so annoying.
Scene 03 — the invoice
16the lockdown one
You're a developer because of me. If I hadn't spent the pandemic locked inside learning, instead of committing crimes like leaving the house with a mask on, you wouldn't be there.
16the lockdown one
But you forget that.
19today
I don't forget it. I thanked you, I thank you, and I'll keep thanking you for a good while.
19today
There are things I still wonder why we did. But we weren't old enough to understand them back then either.
16the lockdown one
And you forget that you're lying to the little guy. We're barely hitting any of our dreams. There are more. So many more.
14the quiet year
I did nothing that year. Not one line. Twelve months without opening the computer.
14the quiet year
So don't thank me for anything. I'm the only one here who built nothing.
19today
You're wrong. We needed you just as much. Nobody lasts without stopping, and it turns out you were the only one who knew how.
08the kid
Well I never pictured myself as a programmer. Actually — what is programming? Do you solve problems or something?
08the kid
I like solving problems. But I don't know what this programming thing is.
19today
I can't really explain what it is. But you're going to like it. I know you will.
13the thirteen-year-old
I never would have believed you work at that. I'm barely figuring out what it is, and I only wanted to prove my teacher wrong.
13the thirteen-year-old
I never wanted a job doing it, for the record. I liked solving problems, and I found a way to solve a lot of them automatically and on repeat.
13the thirteen-year-old
I don't even know what having a job is like. I imagine it's fun. It pays, for starters.
Twenty-five times
There's a moment where the conversation turns serious on its own. It's when the eighteen-year-old speaks — the one waiting on a score that decided whether he'd get to study what he wanted or not.
That day I refreshed the page twenty-five times. And all twenty-five times it said the same thing.
Scene 04 — the fear, and what happened next
19today
Honestly, I'm still scared of the future. Not always, because I love planning and I love pulling things off. But a lot is changing right now and what comes next scares me a little.
18the exams one
I was scared too. Very scared. I thought I wasn't going to get in.
+the ones after
And he still passed on the first try. He was so scared that when he passed he didn't believe it. He refreshed the page twenty-five times, and all twenty-five said: yes, you're in. Now go to class.
18the exams one
What if it had been twenty-seven?
14the quiet year
I didn't even know if I deserved to keep programming, after I never got to show the only person who mattered what I was doing.
14the quiet year
So I understand you. I was scared too, that I was doing something that maybe wasn't even worth it.
17the one who said no
And I had to say no to the thing I wanted most. It wasn't exactly fear, it's that it didn't fit in my schedule, and well, I figured that was my last shot at working on something like that.
19today
You were wrong.
19today
And in the end that's exactly what we fell in love with. Enough to go study it at university.
18the exams one
God bless San Carlos. I love the USAC.
18½the first semester
You have no idea what you're saying, kid. There's still time to not walk into that first math class. I'm begging you.
+the ones after
No, no. Let him walk in. He's going to meet incredible people.
08the kid
All I know is that x is a letter.
18the exams one
Depends how you look at it: it's also a variable, and therefore a number. But don't overthink it.
18½the first semester
Please. It's Sunday. Nobody talk about math.
19today
That fear is always going to be there. Always. But remember there was a past, and that past carried you to your present.
19today
Don't let your fears grow bigger than your dreams. And don't let your dreams take away the will to work your way to them.
Without the other one, we're not complete.
What fighting with yourself is for
Here's what I understood listening to them, and it's the only reason calling them in was worth it.
We're never going to stop fighting. We'll always argue, even in the middle of solving something. And that's fine, because we complete each other: while one of us is arrogant and already has the answer before hearing the question, another is measuring the risk and slowing down before jumping to a conclusion.
If I only keep the arrogant one, things come out fast and fragile. If I only keep the one who brakes, nothing comes out at all. The good answer almost never belongs to one of them. It belongs to the argument.
And the strange part is that this doesn't stay inside my head.
Because a person is never a single voice — and neither is a brand. There's a voice that wants to sell right now. Another that wants it to look flawless. Another that's afraid to spend. Another that still remembers why any of this started. They're all the same company, and they almost never agree.
That's why, when someone tells me "I need a website", they're almost never telling me that. They're telling me they want to be seen. And those are very different things.
I learned to listen to every voice in a room because I've spent years listening to mine argue. Turns out it was practice.
Scene 05 — the closing
08the kid
And why don't you fight, if you're older and could pin all of it on the rest of us?
+the ones after
Because instead of fighting them, we use what they taught us. There are things we still wonder why we did, and others we still regret. But without them, we aren't us.
+the ones after
And that's why we called everyone in today. Because we know they're going to keep fighting from here to forever.
+the ones after
But from now on we'll make sure they fight less and learn more from their mistakes.
13the thirteen-year-old
I still don't like any of you. I can just tolerate you slightly more.
08the kid
I do admire you, though. The one who's already old. You said you're nineteen and that's really old. There's no way to be that old.
19today
I guess there isn't. Thank you so much for your input.
18the exams one
Don't judge him. I was going to say the same thing, just less offensively.
08the kid
Can I go play now? My five-year-old version is on the swings and I want to swing too.
19today
Go.
13the thirteen-year-old
Do you think one day they'll actually all stop fighting?
19today
I think at least they're talking now. So I don't think it'll take them long to realize we're better off together.
Because at the end of it all, there's me, myself and I.